Once every year we brave parking lots full of unbalanced parents fighting over toys from the movie "Frozen" and musty houses full of smelly grandmas, to celebrate the birth of Christ.
Joy fills our hearts as we watch loved ones opening presents and smile knowing that they can return that Tyler Perry box set and exchange it for something enjoyable .
The thing is, that if you hate Christmas, you can become a Jew, or Muslim and leave much of the revelry behind. But, one thing you can’t leave behind, regardless of whether you celebrate Chanukah, Kwanzaa or just want to put up Atheist billboards around town to piss people off, is the Christmas music that plays in a constant loop from Thanksgiving until New Years Eve.
For the entire month of December, you essentially have no choice. Wherever you go, be it the mall, the DMV, the Thai massage parlor or T.J. Maxx , chances are you’re going to have to suffer through at least three of the 30 or so Christmas songs that are currently in rotation.
The songs inevitably get stuck in your head and you end up singing them for the next few weeks regardless of whether the song has any redeeming musical value or not.
And some of them are okay. Jingle Bell Rock is pretty good. Feliz Navidad may, in fact be the best thing ever to come out of Mexico. Last Christmas by Wham! Is decent, as long as you put aside the fact that George Michael is probably singing about someone he met in a public restroom and while you’d think The Chipmunk Christmas Song would be annoying, it’s fan-freaking-tastic when compared with some of the more traditional Christmas tunes.
So here is my list of the five worst Christmas songs written since Jesus was born:
5. The Twelve Days Of Christmas - Traditional
Just too dang long. I like milking maids as much as the next guy, but by the time you get there, everyone who you were caroling for is freezing and wants to go back inside. I also believe the song endorses slavery. The first 7 gifts are all birds with the exception of the five golden rings. After that your true love starts giving you people. 50 people to be exact. Drummers and pipers a slew of dancing girls, the aforementioned maids and some lords. Jack Lord? Lourde the pop singer? Who knows? We never find out because the only people who have ever gotten that far in the song have no friends.
4. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer – By Johnny Marks
This song is the story of a social outcast, who overcomes adversity and becomes a leader. Just like Hitler. Only furry.
Rudolph is a magical reindeer. No less magical than the other magical reindeer. Unfortunately he suffers from a facial abnormality that causes him to be mercilessly teased by his peers. Like Sloth in The Goonies. But just like Sloth, Rudolph has a Chunk. That Truffle-Shuffling, morbidly obese, Saint Nick, thinks that he can make better time if Rudolph agrees to lead the magical sleigh all over the world. Well, not the Middle-East, Asia or Israel, but everywhere else.
Anyway, I hate this song because it’s just an ad-on to what was already an established story about Santa's original magical reindeer. Think about it. What if you created a well loved story and later, without your permission someone added another chapter to it. Like that chick who wrote the sequel to Gone With the Wind, or that guy who ruined the original Star Wars movies by making those awful prequels. Anyway, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is the Attack of the Clones of the Christmas World……huh? No way. The same guy? Crap.
Well at least Rudolph was a reindeer. If it had been left up to our generation the song would have been about a transgendered unicorn who isn't allowed to join the Boy Scouts.
3. Carol of The Bells - Traditional
This is the song in which a bunch of folks cryptically chant
“Hark how the bells
Sweet silver bells
All seem to say
Throw cares away
Christmas is here
Bringing good cheer
To young and old
Meek and the bold
Ding dong ding
That is their song
With joyful ring
Seriously. Shut up.
It’s really not joyful. It’s actually kind of scary. The background singers going “Ding Dong, Ding Dong.”
It sounds like the choir at the end of Gangsta’s Paradise by Coolio. (and no Spell Check, it’s “Gangsta”. Jeez!)
What an awful song for what’s supposed to be the most joyful time of the year. If they had put this song on repeat in Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's cell, there would have been absolutely no need for waterboarding.
2. Wonderful Christmas Time – by Paul McCartney
I wonder if Mark David Chapman ever listens to this song and kicks himself for shooting the wrong dude. It's pure pap, backed up by a what sounds like a 30-year old Casio keyboard from radio shack. The ultimate irony is that if this song comes on the radio during your Christmas dinner, Christmas is not "wonderful" anymore at all. It's totally ruined.
1. Christmas Eve in Washington – by Maura Sullivan
You may not know this song, but here in DC, the easy listening radio stations play this atrocity at least once every season. Usually not more than that because the station management realizes that the song is so bad, that playing it more than once could potentially cause a mass exodus from the city or the suicide of many of the station's listeners.
Seriously, this song isn’t just the worst Christmas song ever made, it’s one of the worst songs ever made period and that’s including everything Celine Dion has ever recorded.
But for some reason, at least a couple Washington DC listeners call in and request this Yuletide horror show every year. I’m guessing that these are the same people who cheer really loudly when they go to a concert and the lead singer mentions the name of their town. Either that or really old ladies.
It’s sickly sweet and not in a good, wide eyed kids donating their piggy banks to orphans way. But in a really cute kitten, killing and eating orphans, way. So remove all sharp objects from the vicinity, click the link above and let me know what you think. If you dare.
While this song is unfathomably bad, it does prove that human being's tolerance for obnoxiousness is heightened significantly when they are infected with the Holiday Spirit. This is also why they are capable of spending extended periods of time with their relatives.
But if Ms. Sullivan ever comes caroling at my house, I don't care how jolly I'm feeling. That chick is going to get hit in the head with a yule log.
This is my list. But if you have any Christmas songs that drive you up the chimney, let me know in the comments section.
Merry Christmas everyone!