PETA Reaches Peak Stupid, Calls For Ninja Turtles to Switch to Vegan Pizza

Nick Kangadis | February 1, 2018
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Ugh…PETA. These food nazis are so completely out of their minds that they apparently now want fictitious characters to eat fictional vegan food. Welcome to Fantasyland.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) released a statement — that included a letter to the president of Nickelodeon Cyma Zarghami — calling for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to switch to vegan, non-dairy pizza for their upcoming reboot of the series.

In the letter, the PETA’s Project Coordinator for Animals in Film and Television and Celebrity Campaigns Lauren Thomasson — and yes, that’s actually her official job title — called for the always pizza-happy “heroes in a half-shell” to go vegan by dumping regular pizza for a non-dairy substitute.

Here’s part of what Thomasson wrote:

But every fan worth his or her nunchucks knows that wherever the show leads the Turtles, they’ll be fueling up with pizza. It’s practically their raison d’être, right? That’s another reason why I’m getting in touch: to ask that their pies and slices be vegan, because compassionate eating is the direction that TMNT fans, their siblings, and their parents are taking.

“Compassionate eating?” Excuse me while I get my barf bag. I don’t need to feel like my “spirit animal” when I’m eating a slice of pizza. To be honest, I typically request as much dead animal meat as I can when ordering, so put that in your soy-based pipe and smoke.

After listing off a bunch of unsourced stats, Thomasson asked possibly one of the dumbest questions I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard some doozies.

“What’s that mean for reptilian — and human — pizza connoisseurs?” Thomasson wrote.

Ummm. She’s knows that the Ninja Turtles aren’t real, right? Also, reptiles don’t eat pizza. It’s also kinda funny that she wrote the question the way she did. She added “humans” to reptiles as if human food consumption is an afterthought. We’re the dominant species for a reason.

I honestly can’t believe that something like this is actually a thing.

I’m just going to leave this quote from the movie “Billy Madison” here in order to better describe how I feel about this:

At no point in your rambling, incoherent response [letter] were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

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