Dear wealthy supporters of socialism,
Having read a recent Associated Press article addressing this clearly overlooked travesty, it has come to my attention that many of you have decided to throw your support behind socialism and government-mandated wealth redistribution as a means to help relieve you of the burden of prosperity you’ve accumulated in order to provide for the common good.
For example, I was personally moved by the woeful account of Molly Munger. As the daughter of real estate tycoon Charlie Munger, former vice chairman of Warren Buffett’s firm Berkshire Hathaway, poor Molly, having recently experienced a sense of angst after passing by rows of empty mansions along California’s Newport Beach from the vantage point of her family’s yacht, bemoaned the “waste when beautiful homes on the beach are empty for most of the summer,” saying that witnessing such a travesty prompted her to consider a system of government control to help reallocate the kind of earned fortune that leads to people owning multiple homes.
Unfortunately, Molly isn’t alone in her distress. In response to apparently not knowing what to do with their piles of cash, these guilt-ridden billionaires are, as the AP put it, now “making a renewed push for the government to raise their taxes and siphon away some of their holdings.” From Buffett to George Soros to heiress Abigail Disney, liberally-minded millionaires and billionaires are now reporting feeling the weight of their gold chains and suggesting they will back an economic system that, while admittedly having killed more than 100 million people worldwide, will help relieve the emotional anguish of their having spent buckets of cash on luxury jets and private islands and jewels the size of grapefruits. Liberal megadonor Bill Gates has graciously stated that he “wouldn’t be against” a wealth tax for those with net worths of more than $100 billion (his is roughly $105 billion, Lord bless his soul).
This crisis clearly isn't reserved for billionaire investors and entrepreneurs or their progeny. Many a Hollywood celebrity has touted their support for socialists like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, lamenting their own hefty bank accounts and expressing regret for not being able to contribute more to the needy and downtrodden.
And making sure your own wallets fall into the hands of the government is clearly a struggle. The AP sadly reports that “rich people have had limited success as advocates for tax hikes” noting that, “In 2011, billionaire Buffett’s declaration that he paid a lower tax rate than his employees spawned President Barack Obama’s proposal to raise rates on people making more than $1 million. The so-called 'Buffett rule' fizzled in Congress.”
I just want you to know that I get it. Waking up atop your pile of neatly stacked bundles of hundred dollar bills probably puts a bit of a crick in your neck. Maybe your penthouse pool deck was a little too slippery and you tore your brand new Givenchy gown just before the Met Gala. It’s a rough life. We unwashed masses can only try to understand how it feels to spend a day in your Jimmy Choos.
However, if I, from my lowly position on my wholesale warehouse couch in my meager single-family home in Suburbia USA, might offer a simple suggestion: before you throw your publicity and your Instagram following and your mega-million-dollar checks behind politicians who espouse the very fiscal model that herded millions of poor citizens into bread lines in the Soviet Union and has forced Venezuelan hospital patients to provide scalpels for their own surgeries, please consider an intermediary step you might take to achieve your goal of self wealth-redistribution without inadvertently screwing over the rest of the nation.
Please note that the Internal Revenue Service will happily accept your generous and limitless donation to the federal government and all its wondrous glories today. For your convenience, I have included the relevant information. Please make your check payable to the U.S. Department of the Treasury and mail it to the following:
Gifts to the United States
U.S. Department of the Treasury
Funds Management Branch
P.O. Box 1328
Parkersburg, WV 26106-1328
You may also click here for more information. I’m sure the United States government thanks you in advance for your consideration of the less fortunate.
Blessings and prayers in your time of personal difficulty,
The American Public