It's the first day of spring! Soon the flowers will bloom. The birds will be singing again and their tweeting will fill the air, informing us that our harsh winter has finally come to an end. But, no matter what the season, some Tweeting reminds us that idiocy is perpetual. Here's some proof:
1.
You can be forgiven for not knowing who Azealia Banks is. The rapper/singer just recently became a household name for two reasons: 1. Being Naked in Playboy Magazine and 2. Saying she hates everything about America. Watch out Taylor Swift! America has a new sweetheart.
So, she doesn't care for white conservatives, but what about black conservatives?
Okay. So I guess we can just put all conservatives on the list of things that Azealia Banks hates.
But, some good news came out of her Playboy interview.
"As long as I have my money, I'm getting the (expletive) out of here and I'm gonna leave y'all to your own devices."
She wants reparations for slavery. I say, if she promises to leave the United States forever, we give them to her.
2.
Yup. It's time for President Obama to redistribute kids' school supplies. Here's how it's going to work. If you're the kid with the kind of scented magic markers that smell like fruit, (Don't taste them. Trust me.) you are going to be required to send half of your markers to the government which will then redistribute them to kids who only have regular-smelling magic markers.
If you own more than one Lisa Frank binder, you're not providing your "fair share," kid. That will be sent to someone who simply can't learn because of his boring, colorless three-ring binder.
All students will now be required to use pencils instead of pens due to the fact that some kids have erasers that can erase pen, while some do not. The government will ban these erasers permanently.
The large crayon box with 96 different colors? That's not just unfair, but also racist! Probably. So the crayon redistribution will be handled like Obamacare. Every student will be mandated to have a certain number of crayons and crayon subsidies will be offered through state crayon exchanges.
The HHS will also be requiring that only safety scissors can be used in grades 1-12.
Finally, upon Michelle Obama's request, healthy and delicious beet juice will come out of all the water fountains.
You can read the letters here.
3.
Cher makes a triumphant return to the list this week with the shocking revelation that "The Sun is Free." Okay. Fair point. But, obviously solar panels are very expensive, so if you want to use the sun for anything useful besides tanning or being able to see during the daytime, it's going to cost you.
Obviously, we all care about the invironment.....wait....um....what? You sure do know a lot about fracking and alternative energy for someone who spells a key word wrong TWICE in the same Tweet, Cher. You realize that "Invironment" isn't a word, right?
Good to have you back on the list, Cher.
4.
First of all, happy birthday, to America's most mentally unbalanced congressman!
But I should point out that since you came into office the Tea Party and the Koch Brothers have helped the Republicans take over both house of Congress, Fox News is far and away the country's most-watched cable news channel, income inequality is at record levels and war is raging throughout the Middle East.
So, clearly that day in 1957 really wasn't all that bad for any of the things you mentioned. It's kind of like me saying that Nov. 6th, 1978 was a bad day for Alan Greyson. Because as much as I despise you and write about you, you're still a member of Congress.
5.
UN Member 1: "We must do something about climate change or the world will end. But we're all out of ideas. What should we do?"
UN Member 2: "How about we get that guy in the funny hat who sang that 'Happy' song to come here? He'll know what to do."
UN Member 1: "Why not? He's got more credibility than Al Gore."
UN Secretary General: "You're both fired."
DISHONORABLE MENTION:
What Simmons is referencing is an incident at the University of Virginia on St. Patrick's Day in which a black student was arrested by white police officers for allegedly being intoxicated and attempting to enter a bar with a fake i.d. Police attempted to subdue him but the suspect struggled and began yelling expletives at police and calling them racists.
At some point, the young man's head began bleeding, although we don't exactly know why?
So, of course this must be another case of overzealous police using excessive force simply because of a young man's skin color, right?
Has Russell Simmons not learned anything over the last year?
Trust me. I went to bars on St. Patrick's Day when I was in college. I don't care what color you are. If you're drunk and harassing police officers on a night when they are surrounded by intoxicated college students, they aren't going to take any of your crap.
But, we have to keep the ball rolling on the "police are racist" narrative, right? Facts? Pfft! Who needs 'em?
