“Hey honey, let’s watch the nightly news.”
“Sure, which network should we watch?”
“Let’s watch that one with the anchor who lies all the time,” said no one ever.
At this point it should be pretty clear to everyone that Brian Williams has zero credibility. He needs to go.
But NBC has found itself in a dilly of a pickle, due to the fact that they have no reporters in their line up with the charisma or gravitas who will be able to duplicate the ratings that kept the network’s nightly news program at number one for the last decade.
I mean, can you imagine Rachel Maddow sitting behind that anchor’s desk five nights a week?
“Why is that little boy from the Harry Potter movies reporting the news?” is what my grandma would ask.
Well, I think I’ve come up with the perfect replacement. A true American hero. Someone who has a winning personality and has proven that he can keep Americans glued to their television sets for hours at a time.
I’m speaking of course of New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady.
Here are four reasons why Tom Brady should ditch his multi-million dollar job with the Super Bowl Champion Patriots and become America’s most trusted provider of news and information.
1. He’s Trustworthy
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. "Deflate-gate," right? Did Tom Brady deflate those footballs? I have no clue. But when he was accused of doing so, Brady didn’t hide in the locker room. He went out to that press conference, faced the music and explained to the world how he likes his balls. He told us that he prepares his balls in a certain way before each game but only in ways that meet with the NFL’s strict ball preparation guidelines.
Unlike Brian Williams, he didn’t go on hiatus and skip the big game. NO! He took his balls and led his team to a rousing, come from behind victory proving to everyone that he can win no matter what kind of balls he’s playing with.
He proved that he had no reason to lie.
Unlike Brian Williams who lies about stuff that he really has no reason to lie about. Williams pretty much does it just for kicks.
2. The Handsome Factor
As a red blooded American male who is secure in his masculinity, I have no problem admitting that Tom Brady is a good looking guy. I mean, let’s face it, the guy hit the Powerball in the genetic lottery.
Brian Williams is a pretty good looking dude himself. As shallow as it may seem, people really don’t want to have to sit and stare a an unattractive person on their television set for a half an hour.
The only exception to this rule that I can think of is “The View.”
But you just can’t have Morley Safer delivering the news to people on a regular basis. It simply won’t work.
You need a dreamboat. Someone who women want to be with and who men wish they could be. Tom Brady fits the bill perfectly. The winning smile. His adorable chin dimple. Those piercing blue eyes that sparkle like the mid-day sun hitting the Caribbean. *sigh. Ahem….okay…..let’s move on.
3. Tom Brady Can Read
Probably.
I’m really not sure. But I’m going to assume he can because he was picked in the sixth round of the NFL draft and must have had a back up plan in case Drew Bledsoe stayed healthy.
Being a network news anchor really isn’t a very difficult job. You have a team of writers and producers that put the entire show together. All you have to do is sit in the damn chair and read off of the teleprompter. (Kind of like being president these days.)
Brian Williams hasn’t really been taken seriously in the journalistic community for quite some time. He rarely reports on any breaking story, he goes on Letterman more often than he goes on assignment. But he’s an excellent reader. Perhaps the fact that his fellow journalists weren’t taking him seriously led Williams to make up all those fake experiences in Iraq and in New Orleans during hurricane Katrina.
Tom Brady isn’t going to make up any stories. He couldn’t possibly do that. We have all witnessed his entire life, first hand for the last 13 years. The ups, the downs, the time he left his pregnant girlfriend for the supermodel.
He gets up in the morning. He eats breakfast, he throws a ball for a few hours then he falls asleep on a huge pile of money.
Compared to that, reading on a teleprompter for a few minutes five nights a week will be a cake walk, no more difficult than beating the Tennessee Titans.
4. Four Super Bowl Wins
Okay, this one is a little tricky. We know for a fact how many Super Bowls Tom Brady has won. Four. This is not in dispute. What we don’t know is how many Super Bowls Brian Williams has won.
He’s never said. It could be five.
Here’s a picture of him holding the Lombardi Trophy.
I can only assume that this picture was taken after one of his Super Bowl victories. Pictures don’t lie, people!
It’s really a no-brainer. Brady obviously still has a few years left in the NFL, but what more could he possibly accomplish in that arena. A perfect season? Way too stressful to go through that potentially depressing situation again.
So get to New York, Tom! I’m sure the Jet's fans will treat you with the respect that you have become accustomed to from them over the past few years. Head over to 30 Rock and take your rightful place as America’s favorite news reader guy.
