Heather Barwick, a contributor to The Federalist, is a straight woman who was raised by her biological mother and her mother’s same-sex partner. She wrote an open letter to the gay community saying “Gay community, I am your daughter.”
What makes this letter controversial is that, despite her upbringing, she favors traditional marriage and the traditional family unit. She says “by and large, the best and most successful family structure is one in which kids are being raised by both their mother and father.”
“Growing up, and even into my 20s, I supported and advocated for gay marriage. It’s only with some time and distance from my childhood that I’m able to reflect on my experiences and recognize the long-term consequences that same-sex parenting had on me. And it’s only now, as I watch my children loving and being loved by their father each day, that I can see the beauty and wisdom in traditional marriage and parenting.
“Gay marriage doesn’t just redefine marriage, but also parenting. It promotes and normalizes a family structure that necessarily denies us something precious and foundational. It denies us something we need and long for, while at the same time tells us that we don’t need what we naturally crave. That we will be okay. But we’re not. We’re hurting.”
She shares the story of her childhood, saying that her parents divorced when she was three-years-old so that her mother could be with another woman instead of her father, after which he became absent to her life. She recalls feeling love and learning a lot from the gay community in which she was immersed, but it never quelled her ache for a male figure in her life. Same-sex parents couldn’t fill the void left by the man who took part in giving her life.
“Same-sex marriage and parenting withholds either a mother or father from a child while telling him or her that it doesn’t matter. That it’s all the same. But it’s not. A lot of us, a lot of your kids, are hurting. My father’s absence created a huge hole in me, and I ached every day for a dad. I loved my mom’s partner, but another mom could never have replaced the father I lost.”
Barwick tells World Magazine that her relationship with her “other mother” was awkward and that she just “couldn’t choose to love another woman as my parent.” At around age ten she was seeking counseling and by fifteen she was seeking male attention from her boyfriends. She said “I really used sex at a young age as a way to feel loved.”
Barwick states that she writes her letter to give voice to a problem that isn’t easily spoken of. She says that children of divorce and children who are adopted are able to express how their unorthodox parenting had harmed them, but when children raised by homosexual couples begin to speak of how they were hurt by their upbringing they are labeled just as harshly as any other outspoken opponent of gay marriage:
“Kids of divorced parents are allowed to say, ‘Hey, mom and dad, I love you, but the divorce crushed me and has been so hard. It shattered my trust and made me feel like it was my fault. It is so hard living in two different houses.’ Kids of adoption are allowed to say, ‘Hey, adoptive parents, I love you. But this is really hard for me. I suffer because my relationship with my first parents was broken. I’m confused and I miss them even though I’ve never met them.’
“But children of same-sex parents haven’t been given the same voice. It’s not just me. There are so many of us. Many of us are too scared to speak up and tell you about our hurt and pain, because for whatever reason it feels like you’re not listening. That you don’t want to hear. If we say we are hurting because we were raised by same-sex parents, we are either ignored or labeled a hater.”
She closes her letter acknowledging that this is a hard conversation to have, but it’s one that needs to be had.